Sister Coco Mack
June 12th, 2012, MTC, Provo, Utah
Remember that song from "Joseph King of Dreams"?
The one where he starts having faith in God and turns to Him in his darkest
hour? That is what I thought of yesterday when I read mom's letter. She wrote
to me about choosing to view life as a faith journey. It hit me so hard, and
then the glorious German lyrics burst forth in my mind: Du weisst es besser als
ich! Du kennst den Weg! Ich steck mein Vertrauen in dich, denn du weisst es
besser als ich! Glory glory Hallelujah!
I am sorry my mind is always so scattered when I sit down to
write to you. There are millions of
words and stories darting about wildly in my mind and I never take the time
beforehand to think of exactly what I want to say so then I panic cause the
timer starts counting down and I'm like WHERE DO I START!??!?! I want to share
it all with you, but since I can't I just want to choose some moments of true
and real significance, that I hope will resonate with you, and that I hope will
help you to understand somewhat what I'm feeling.
On Saturday I had the chance to teach in the TRC for the
first time. That is when volunteers come into the MTC and we teach them. They
are either from China/Taiwan/Singapore (native speakers, essentially) or they
are returned missionaries. Sometimes actual investigators come and get taught
by the missionaries. I wasn't nervous to do it because my Chinese is so limited
that there is only so much I can say before I just have to sit there and smile
and say "Duibuqi". I was actually really excited because we teach
like 5 lessons a week but it's always to our teachers who are acting as
investigators so we know their "background" and how to prepare,
whereas in the TRC you just go in and teach and you have to be prepared to be
led by the Spirit to know what to say.
My companion and I had a totally incredible experience. The
first volunteer we taught was a guy from Singapore. His Chinese was pretty fast
and I caught a lot less than half of what he was saying. We went in there
prepared to give an overview of the first lesson and to share a scripture. As
we were sitting there, though, I suddenly told him to turn to 1 Nephi 3:7
instead of Moroni 10:3-5 like we planned on doing. I asked him (in very bad
Chinese) to share an experience with us about that verse and to explain what he
thought it meant. What happened next was really remarkable. I could hardly
understand what he was saying with my ears, but I could FEEL what he was
saying. I felt like we were supposed to share that scripture with him. Later we
got to read a little evaluation he wrote about our lesson and he mentioned
specifically how much he liked that we shared that scripture and that thinking
about it gave him strength and that he felt the desire to keep searching the
Book of Mormon and praying about it everyday! I cannot adequately describe the
experience with words, but it felt so miraculous to me!!
Right after that we taught an older woman who served her
mission in Taiwan. She was incredibly sweet and patient with us as we stumbled
through the lesson. At the end she asked us to share experiences about how
reading The Book of Mormon and praying made a change in our lives. Or how it
was significant. Or something like that. I told her that it was how I knew I
wanted to serve a mission, because I didn't know if I should go but when I
studied the scriptures and prayed about it, I felt that I needed to go and that
that was what God wanted for me and that was His plan for me: Dang wo xuexi
Muermenjing he zuo qidao, de shihou wo ganjue wo xuyao qu chuan jiao. Wo zhidao
zhe shi Shen de jihua wei wo. Zhe shi shenme shihou ta yao wei wo. And I
probably said it wrong but I could see in her eyes that my experience made
everything we just taught more powerful. And it was the same thing with Jin
JieMei when she shared an experience. Afterwards, I very simply and very
stutteringly told her that I knew that if she read The Book of Mormon
and prayed that God would bless her family. I could feel so much love for her
and her family in that moment, that they were so important to her and so
important to Heavenly Father. I could see in her eyes that she knew and felt
that too. Through God, we can do all things.
I will spare you the story of the lesson I taught 2 days
later that seemed to completely tank in comparison :) I'm starting to embrace
the downs as much as the ups. I trust God. I know He won't let me make a big
mess of things if I am sincerely striving to do what's right. And I feel like I
try harder every day. I feel like I receive so much more strength than I ever
knew that I had. That I continue to be blessed when I don't think I deserve it.
God loves me. And I know He loves you too!! I KNOW it!
I just want to take a minute to talk about my companion and
all the Elders in my district. They are so marvelous. It seems impossible that
we could all care for each other so much the way that we do in this short
amount of time, but we do and it is so beautiful. I treasure these friendships
and I honestly think they are making all the difference. It is impossible to be
weary for very long, to selfishly mope and drag one's feet when there are such
missionaries to lift and inspire and encourage and remind me of why I'm here.
On Sunday I got to watch a talk that Elder Bednar gave at the MTC last
Christmas, and it changed my life. It is still working within me, I am still
figuring out what it means and how to make it real in my life, but it was one
of the most powerful experiences of my mission so far. He talked about how
there would be no Atonement without the character of Christ. The character of
Christ, essentially, is to turn outward instead of inward. One example he gave
of this is when Christ is being led to be crucified. He has been let down by
his apostles who could not stay awake for one hour while he prayed, by Judas
who betrayed him with a kiss, and in the midst of all this whirlwind of emotion
Peter cuts off one of the ears of a soldier. And Jesus heals him! He does not
turn inward, feeling sorry for himself or moaning about what he is going to do,
he reaches out in tenderness, and heals his oppressor. I need to work on that
SO MUCH in my life right now. Every day I try to think about how I can avoid
the tendency to turn inward and think of myself, and instead turn outward and
show love, compassion, and care for others. I know it will make all the
difference. I want so desperately to be lost in the service of my God, that I
come to find my best self therein. Does that make any sense? I hope so.
Thank you for your letters. Each word is so precious to me.
I love you all and pray for you always. Thank you for believing in me, for
praying for my success and for helping me remember what I so often forget: the
very basics of life and of missionary service...I am working hard to forget
myself and just throw everything into this marvelous work. I am so so blessed
to be here. I love love LOVE being a missionary. It is hard and it is
beautiful. I know it's where I'm supposed to be.
All my love, wo hen ai nimen.
Ke JieMei
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