Monday, July 9, 2012

Du Weisst Es Besser Als Ich


Sister Coco Mack
June 12th, 2012, MTC, Provo, Utah

Remember that song from "Joseph King of Dreams"? The one where he starts having faith in God and turns to Him in his darkest hour? That is what I thought of yesterday when I read mom's letter. She wrote to me about choosing to view life as a faith journey. It hit me so hard, and then the glorious German lyrics burst forth in my mind: Du weisst es besser als ich! Du kennst den Weg! Ich steck mein Vertrauen in dich, denn du weisst es besser als ich! Glory glory Hallelujah!

I am sorry my mind is always so scattered when I sit down to write to you.  There are millions of words and stories darting about wildly in my mind and I never take the time beforehand to think of exactly what I want to say so then I panic cause the timer starts counting down and I'm like WHERE DO I START!??!?! I want to share it all with you, but since I can't I just want to choose some moments of true and real significance, that I hope will resonate with you, and that I hope will help you to understand somewhat what I'm feeling.

On Saturday I had the chance to teach in the TRC for the first time. That is when volunteers come into the MTC and we teach them. They are either from China/Taiwan/Singapore (native speakers, essentially) or they are returned missionaries. Sometimes actual investigators come and get taught by the missionaries. I wasn't nervous to do it because my Chinese is so limited that there is only so much I can say before I just have to sit there and smile and say "Duibuqi". I was actually really excited because we teach like 5 lessons a week but it's always to our teachers who are acting as investigators so we know their "background" and how to prepare, whereas in the TRC you just go in and teach and you have to be prepared to be led by the Spirit to know what to say.

My companion and I had a totally incredible experience. The first volunteer we taught was a guy from Singapore. His Chinese was pretty fast and I caught a lot less than half of what he was saying. We went in there prepared to give an overview of the first lesson and to share a scripture. As we were sitting there, though, I suddenly told him to turn to 1 Nephi 3:7 instead of Moroni 10:3-5 like we planned on doing. I asked him (in very bad Chinese) to share an experience with us about that verse and to explain what he thought it meant. What happened next was really remarkable. I could hardly understand what he was saying with my ears, but I could FEEL what he was saying. I felt like we were supposed to share that scripture with him. Later we got to read a little evaluation he wrote about our lesson and he mentioned specifically how much he liked that we shared that scripture and that thinking about it gave him strength and that he felt the desire to keep searching the Book of Mormon and praying about it everyday! I cannot adequately describe the experience with words, but it felt so miraculous to me!!

Right after that we taught an older woman who served her mission in Taiwan. She was incredibly sweet and patient with us as we stumbled through the lesson. At the end she asked us to share experiences about how reading The Book of Mormon and praying made a change in our lives. Or how it was significant. Or something like that. I told her that it was how I knew I wanted to serve a mission, because I didn't know if I should go but when I studied the scriptures and prayed about it, I felt that I needed to go and that that was what God wanted for me and that was His plan for me: Dang wo xuexi Muermenjing he zuo qidao, de shihou wo ganjue wo xuyao qu chuan jiao. Wo zhidao zhe shi Shen de jihua wei wo. Zhe shi shenme shihou ta yao wei wo. And I probably said it wrong but I could see in her eyes that my experience made everything we just taught more powerful. And it was the same thing with Jin JieMei when she shared an experience. Afterwards, I very simply and very stutteringly told her that I knew that if she read The Book of Mormon and prayed that God would bless her family. I could feel so much love for her and her family in that moment, that they were so important to her and so important to Heavenly Father. I could see in her eyes that she knew and felt that too. Through God, we can do all things.

I will spare you the story of the lesson I taught 2 days later that seemed to completely tank in comparison :) I'm starting to embrace the downs as much as the ups. I trust God. I know He won't let me make a big mess of things if I am sincerely striving to do what's right. And I feel like I try harder every day. I feel like I receive so much more strength than I ever knew that I had. That I continue to be blessed when I don't think I deserve it. God loves me. And I know He loves you too!! I KNOW it!

I just want to take a minute to talk about my companion and all the Elders in my district. They are so marvelous. It seems impossible that we could all care for each other so much the way that we do in this short amount of time, but we do and it is so beautiful. I treasure these friendships and I honestly think they are making all the difference. It is impossible to be weary for very long, to selfishly mope and drag one's feet when there are such missionaries to lift and inspire and encourage and remind me of why I'm here. On Sunday I got to watch a talk that Elder Bednar gave at the MTC last Christmas, and it changed my life. It is still working within me, I am still figuring out what it means and how to make it real in my life, but it was one of the most powerful experiences of my mission so far. He talked about how there would be no Atonement without the character of Christ. The character of Christ, essentially, is to turn outward instead of inward. One example he gave of this is when Christ is being led to be crucified. He has been let down by his apostles who could not stay awake for one hour while he prayed, by Judas who betrayed him with a kiss, and in the midst of all this whirlwind of emotion Peter cuts off one of the ears of a soldier. And Jesus heals him! He does not turn inward, feeling sorry for himself or moaning about what he is going to do, he reaches out in tenderness, and heals his oppressor. I need to work on that SO MUCH in my life right now. Every day I try to think about how I can avoid the tendency to turn inward and think of myself, and instead turn outward and show love, compassion, and care for others. I know it will make all the difference. I want so desperately to be lost in the service of my God, that I come to find my best self therein. Does that make any sense? I hope so.

Thank you for your letters. Each word is so precious to me. I love you all and pray for you always. Thank you for believing in me, for praying for my success and for helping me remember what I so often forget: the very basics of life and of missionary service...I am working hard to forget myself and just throw everything into this marvelous work. I am so so blessed to be here. I love love LOVE being a missionary. It is hard and it is beautiful. I know it's where I'm supposed to be.

All my love, wo hen ai nimen.
Ke JieMei

No comments:

Post a Comment